If you are a “wannabe” cruiser with questions, there are plenty of us out here to give you answers. One of the defining characteristics of the cruising community is our opinionatedness (is that a word?).
But there is a far more insidious aspect to this opinionatedness — an evangelical quality that we take on when we talk or write about cruising. We assert, either covertly or overtly, that cruising is a panacea for people like us, we who have rejected the material world, are seeking enlightenment from nature, want to living off the land, crave adventure, or whatever motivators put us onto a floating home. There is a kind of arrogance in our position — especially, dare I say it, among sail boaters — that implies that we have found “the way.”
As I look over books and articles that I and others in the fleet have written, I recognize potential snags in what we say. We do mean well when we transmit our opinions, but the assertions can be misleading, especially to novice cruisers investing our words with more weight and significance than they should have.
“Go NOW!”
One example is the “Go Now” slogan. It is usually said in the context of “There will never be an ideal time to go, so go now!” Most of us who write and talk about cruising have this message somewhere in what we’re saying. Our point is that it can be really easy to come up with reasons why you can’t take off on a boat. We are trying to keep you from just thinking about it the rest of your life, and are cheering you on to take the leap sooner than later. We talk about the great places we have visited, the challenges we’ve surmounted, the great people we’ve met along the way. Even when we talk about the down sides of cruising, we inevitably wind up saying that the rewards outweigh the discomforts.
I myself listened to the “Go Now” cheer from the crowd. My desire to go cruising overrode other matters in my first and second experiences. I first took off on a boat that was still partially owned by the bank because we didn’t want to do what we needed to pay her off first. Better to go now, right? That monthly payment was a weight around our necks the whole time we were on the water.
The second time I left before I was mentally ready to go—I had built a business that was just shifting into high gear. Because we were so focused on cruising and listening to the “Go Now” siren song, I chose to sell the business and leave. Even though I enjoyed the cruise, I still never stopped regretting that choice. I didn’t allow myself to experience fruits from all of my hard work. If I had stayed even just one more year, I could have left feeling a lot more complete about what remained behind.
“Don’t Be a Weenie!”
Another message directed especially at budding first mates comes from the “sisterhood of the water” — the distaff side of cruising couples who write and talk about cruising. Almost invariably, we (and I include myself in this group) talk about the lifestyle in glowing terms. Some of us will admit that we first entered it in the shadows of our husbands or boyfriends, but we will go on to list all the fabulous things that have come from the experience. We assert that if we hadn’t made the decision to support our partners in their dream, we would have missed out on the experience of a lifetime. And we imply, usually unwittingly, that it should be okay to leave family and creature comforts behind, that having those (or similar) issues is the mark of a milquetoast.
There are voices that are not being heard. In addition to meeting many women who love cruising, I have met a number of women on the water who were very unhappy. Some were deeply depressed. They missed their families, they missed their homes, they didn’t like sailing, and didn’t enjoy what they considered “roughing it.” And many of them felt very guilty about it. A few even admitted that they were afraid that the relationship with their partners would end if they hadn’t agreed to go cruising!
What makes a woman go cruising against her preferences? That is a very complex subject, and not one I’m qualified to tackle…so I won’t go there, except for one thing. I believe that we - the first mates who do love the lifestyle contribute to the problem unknowingly. I went back and reread some of the stuff I’ve written in the past, then I read material from other women on the water, and it came to me that we may be putting peer pressure on budding first mates. And that I experienced this kind of pressure when I first went cruising.
Don’t misunderstand. I’m glad I did it. I love to cruise. The peer pressure worked on me. I did embrace the challenges and allowed the rewards to outweigh the discomforts. But what about the women for whom the peer pressure didn’t work? Those who gave it a try, found that it wasn’t their cup of tea, but are afraid to say so? Could their unhappiness be avoided? I think so.
A first mate in training needs to be very clear with her partner about the terms under which she will participate — that is, what aspects of their cruising life are important to her, what are non-negotiable, and what she will compromise on. For example, flying home to visit family and friends twice a year might be a non-negotiable term; if so, the cost for this item will need to be incorporated into the budget, which might impact how far they will cruise.
On the other hand, she might be willing to compromise regarding how often they will stay in marinas — three nights a month, say, instead of the ten or more that she’d prefer — in order to save money. Understanding her terms will allow the cruising couple to create a plan for the lifestyle that will suit both of them.
Do This, Don’t Do That!
I recently read an article by a guy who is out cruising, giving advice about how to prepare for a life on the water. The points he made were valid, but I felt my hackles rise as I read. His style of advice-giving was so pompous. He pontificated about the “right” way to do things…the “right” way, of course, being the way that he did it. The subliminal message was that you’d better do the same or you’ll be sorry.
YOU WILL TAKE SAILING COURSES BEFORE YOU LEAVE!
YOU WILL PRACTICE AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY!
YOU WILL CONSTRUCT A BUDGET AND NET WORTH STATEMENT!
If you’re like me, anyone who orders you to follow a particular route in any of life’s enterprises is suspect. The challenge for me with these people is to keep from throwing the baby out with the bath water — I have to make a conscious effort to separate their communication style from the information, and then consider the information in its own right.
Please remember that none of us in the cruising village is an expert. The best we can do is give our opinions and suggestions based on our own experiences and style of cruising. You need to decide if the information we’re giving you fits your own circumstances. I will do my best, in giving my own opinions, to refrain from evangelizing and dictating the “right” way. Please forgive me if I slip from time to time — after all, I am a cruiser!!
Trish Lambert has been a cruising sailor for over twenty years and a first mate three times, with three different skippers and three very different cruising styles. She knows first hand what makes cruising successful, and what she has to share may surprise you! Whether you are a skipper or first mate, a singlehander or part of a cruising couple, sail boater or power boater, Trish can help make your cruising dream a reality. Check out her site at http://www.takehersailing.com for a wealth of cruising information.
