07.05.08
The Australian Times
Better Humor
The Australian Times at www.newsonline.com.au contains a series of articles. RSS is available at www.newsonline.com.au/myfeed.rss
About the Author
Journalist, editor, funny guy
Category Archive 'Better Humor'
27.04.08
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy
Better Humor
How To Marry A Wealthy Guy
(or Girl… Or at least Make Sure they’re a Good Money Manager!! ha,ha!)
Here are some little tips so you can at least spot a wealthy (or soon-to-be-wealthy) guy:
1. If that BMW he’s driving is most likely leased, you may be looking at a guy who owes a whole lot of money to someone else… It’s pretty easy to LOOK rich. You might want to check out the guy in the Truck or not-so-new-but-still-nice vehicle — chances are high that he’s the one who’s been saving his bucks, and has the ability to make a whole lot more of them!
2. High Maintenance Women are great for High Maintenance Men — are you willing to be a Barbie forever? Think you ever want to just kick back and enjoy your life? Probably not with this guy — he’ll demand perfection — his mother will, too, and yes, she’ll definitely come with the package. (Hey, I don’t know why these guys are like that — it’s just a part of the special — and sometimes anal retentive — package that you can often get with the Rich and Famous!)
3. Wealthy Men are really looking for down-to-earth women who won’t blow their budget. (Go ahead… make all your jokes here…I’ll wait! …) They are open to friendly women who would make easy companions — fun to talk with who can get down to business when they need to — which is fairly often — that’s how wealth is made and kept! He wants to be married for life, since he is seriously trying to avoid losing half of his wealth-to-date in a Divorce.
Now, here’s a difference between a Rich Man and a Wealthy Man…a Rich Man is a fellow with a tremendous amount of money, and often he is looking for a ‘Trophy Wife’. A Wealthy Man is someone who has worked really hard for his money and who wants to not only keep it, he wants to make sure it grows. The Wealthy Man is looking for a Partner to work along side him in this growth business, and help him keep his life running smoothly, then the whole family is much happier.
Remember that the Type of Work that a Wealthy Man does may not match what is typically thought of as a ‘monied position’. The old thinking was that only Doctors and Lawyers were the ones with money (this doesn’t include Athletes, since they are few and far between, and we’re talking about men you might actually come in contact with on any given day..!). Enterpreneurs, Contractors, Teachers (yes, some teachers are really, really good money managers, and are able to amass all sorts of wealth!), People in Construction and Real Estate, and let’s not forget Computers! Almost any line of work can lead a person down the Road to Wealth — it’s all about Money Management, not necessarily how much you make in any given year.
Keep an open mind when you meet a new person to see what they’re really all about. You’ll ensure a better future for yourself if you hook up with a man who has a solid understanding of Wealth Management. A guy with a really high salary who spends like a fiend (and NOT on Real Estate! ha,ha!) in order to APPEAR Wealthy will be more difficult to get ahead with than someone who earns less but manages his money well.
4. Hang out at Boat Shows — those guys are typically loaded. They have to be to buy a boat and then actually take it out on the water. If you’re lucky enough to live near water, hang about (not leeringly…) at the Docks. Who knows who you might run into…? Hey, Building and Home Shows are great, too — maybe you’ll get some great ideas while you’re there, too!
Don’t forget to pop into shops where the wealthy go — the Home Improvement Stores, Stationary Supply Stores, the Jean Stores (yes, contrary to popular opinion, many wealthy men wear jeans!) and, of course, the grocery and liquor stores!
I’m not sure why Bars got such a bad rap — especially Dance Bars and Cool Pubs. They’re fun to hang out at with your friends, and perhaps you’ll meet someone nice. Keep in mind that ‘the wealthy’ generally didn’t start out that way — you might find a diamond in the rough!
Sports Games are great, too (small plug — I’d like to see every Sports Team out there with their own Logo on a Buff so when you went to games there’d be a whole SEA of Buffs for each side — if you know someone interested in that, for Goodness Sake have them contact me! Pweeeease!) Back to the games — want a manly man? Check out the local Rugby matches… Love Hockey or Basketball? Try to catch the NHL and MBA (whooops! Slight trip of the tongue, there! Although those MBA guys are great, too…) … Should be NBA Games, then go meet the Players — there’s usually a cool Bar in or nearby the Arena where you could ‘mingle’! No gushing, though — play it calm and collected — they’ll appreciate the lack of craziness! All the people you will meet in this scenario will be interesting, so keep your mind open and make some new friends.
Just one little tidbit about going out with a group of girls — watch out for the ‘group syndrome’, where some poor soul comes over to ask you to dance and there’s a quick and seldom subtle ‘group decision’ about ‘whether he should be permitted a dance or not’… ugh. Everybody hates this — it’s not High School anymore … always make your own decision about who you like and be kind whenever you can. It’s very hard for a man to approach a woman in a group (all the more reason not to always travel in packs!), so if you’re not offended by the guy, one little dance is the polite thing to do. Unless it’s a slow song, and he’s been leering at you all night, in which case a simple ‘No Thanks. Maybe a Fast dance later on…’ ought to work. Strike up some conversations and have some fun!
5. Learn how to cook. No kidding. Check out my favorite recipes on the Tips & Recipes Page, and try your hand at one of the recipes. I haven’t met a man, yet, who doesn’t love Cheesecake, so give that one a shot! Hey, you’ll have a lovely treat for you and your girlfriends while you seek out that guy! You don’t need to cook everything, it’s just very useful to have a couple of signature dishes that you can make that will be fun to make for your new guy!
6. Have (and go to…) parties with other single people. Make them pre-timed in the afternoon, if it’s too weird to have one in the evening. Say, from 2:00pm - 4:00pm on a Sunday. Have each friend you invite bring another single person. Be sure to include your ‘couple friends’, too — they are great sources for single folk! At the very least, you might make a new friend or business acquaintance. Sunday works, since you’re more likely to get into a restaurant if you like someone enough to continue the conversation over dinner.
7. Speaking of Dinner Out — this is a very good sign of what kind of man you’re dealing with — a fellow who makes it clear in advance of the meal that it’s his treat is a good guy. Not in a weird way, though — if he goes on and on that he’s going to pay, and it’s a huuuge deal, forget it. This guy’s crazy with his money, and you don’t want to date a guy like this, let alone marry him!) If he wants to share the tab on the first date, watch out. Don’t worry about that old thing where everything should be equal or you won’t be on equal footing. If you like him, you can offer to pick up the tab on the next meal… Just the offer of reciprocation is very indicative of your willingness to be equal partners, and that’s what he’s looking for.
Now, of course, if you ask him out, you should also be prepared to foot the bill. Don’t feel like you have to hit the best restaurant in town — you could have a nice picnic in the Park, or have him over to your place for dinner (if you’ve already had a few dates and you’re comfortable with this).
I actually had a ‘blind date’ years ago where the fellow brought a Grocery List and a Recipe for me to make dinner for him — can you believe that?? And to think he’s still single — who’da thunk that?! I couldn’t believe it, so I suggested just going out for Chinese, and guess who paid the bill — me! I couldn’t get rid of him fast enough… (just so you know, this guy was no poor soul — I was poorer than dirt at the time, but he was an Architect and Professor… see how important knowing how they deal with money is? Being with a man whose wallet squeaks and dust puffs out when he finally opens it is a nightmare to be married to — he’ll control his own and your money for the entire marriage.) And you always thought it was just a little meal!
8. Be yourself — no need to put on any airs. That’s no fun and you want someone who will love you, not some made-up version of yourself. You know you’re lots of fun to be around — let him see that, too!
9. Be confident. Know that you are worthy of being with him — and make sure he is worthy of being with you. Money isn’t everything — sometimes it comes with a great big jerk at the end of the leash! (Ha, ha! I’m amusing myself, now, with that dog analogy!) Be extra careful not to get too swept up in the cars and houses (although, I’ve been known to be swayed by a gorgeous home in the past…and currently, too! And a really gorgeous pool could still turn my head! ha,ha!). It’s the guy you have to live with, so might as well pretend that the other stuff isn’t in the picture and see if you still like him. (Although, truth be told, there’s many a man who would be all alone if it weren’t for their many attractive ‘assets’! ha!)
10. Well, ladies, go out there and find the man of your dreams! Hey, find two or three! You might need a back-up, just in case! Good Luck!
Remember that Wealth can be measured by many things — a Wealth of Possibilities is sometimes even more fun in a mate than finding everything ready-made. Then you can then grow in your Wealth, together. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Plus, Rich to one person might mean being able to pay all the bills without worrying, and to the next person ‘Rich’ might mean having the biggest Yacht in the Habour. Make up your own mind about ‘How much does it take to be Wealthy’, and you’ll be well on your way to your own Personal Wealth and Happiness!
Ailsa Forshaw is a Writer, Builder, Website Owner & Manager, Teacher, Mother… all in Alberta, Canada. She is Married with Two Lovely Children, and one gorgeous wee dog. Her Website, http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca, is chock full of all sorts of useful & fun information to help anyone become Financially Successful, Slim, Trim, and Happy… what more could you want?? Pop in for a wee visit!
http://www.buildyourownhouse.ca
http://www.theScottishDiet.com
12.12.07
Lousy Jobs - How to Lose Them In Style
Better Humor
Was it Oscar Wilde who once said ‘it’s not how many lousy jobs
you’ve had, but the style with which you go about losing them’?
Well, okay, I’m paraphrasing here, but it was probably Wilde who
said ‘you can’t lose a bad job without a little imagination and
a tube of superglue’. Yet for those of you who want a more
subtle way out of your current choice of tedium, I’d like to
pass on a few pointers that might help turn you into an office
legend.
1. The Boss’s Wife
Beyond the aforementioned superglue or the always-reliable pack
of cheap Chinese fireworks, the boss’s wife is probably the
finest invention for the soon-to-be unemployed. If your superior
has a photograph of their loved one on their desk, you should
cast admiring looks towards it at every opportunity. Drooling at
the same time can be particularly effective, especially if you
can grunt and drop a few hints about the stationary cupboard.
However, should your employer begin to encourage you along this
line of thinking, run for the door. Don’t look back until you’re
well into the car park. This is the only instance when I would
recommend that you self-terminate your own employment.
2. The Affliction
With many laws now prohibiting employers from dismissing their
employees without good cause, old-fashioned afflictions still
work remarkably well. If you can’t manage a plague or mild
curse, then bad breath, sweaty odours, pimples, and uncontrolled
flatulence are proven means of losing a job. You might like to
attempt to achieve all four at the same time, though be warned
that this might well land you even more work when MTV gives you
your own comedy show.
3. Random Acts of Violence On Inanimate Objects
Nothing feels better than bludgeoning a stapler into submission.
Do this in the presence of the Head of Purchasing for it to be
truly effective. It is also worth considering harming the coat
rack, the water cooler, and (my favourite) the boss’s personal
potted plant. Take care not to attack anything that involves hot
fat, toner, or the office temp. These are the three types of
inanimate object known to cause the most serious injuries.
4. Animals
No decent career requires you to carry your pet iguana in your
pocket but, when you have a bad job, it can only help.
Professing unnatural love towards any form of rodent has also
been proven to be effective, except, that is, for certain areas
of northern England where it’s positively encouraged.
5. Politics
I would advise you against declaring yourself opposed to
whatever political party your boss supports. They will only
admire your conviction and may well promote you on the basis of
the healthy debates they anticipate enjoying in the future.
Instead, declare yourself an anarchist and prove your loyalty to
the cause by daubing a large anarchist symbol on your forehead
with a permanent marker. This tip has been known to work in even
most difficult circumstance, though if you attempt it when
working for any high street music retailer, there is a strong
chance that you’ll be promoted to take charge of the checkout.
6. God
A touchy subject, this one, but blaming God for your ineptitude
is bound to wear on an employer. There’s nothing that middle
management detests more than one of their workers believing that
they’re controlled by even higher forces. If you can choose a
minor deity of an obscure religion, you stand even more chance
of finding yourself out of a job. It is well known that all
deputy accounts supervisors think themselves higher than the
Third Pig God of Sumatra. The irony here, of course, is that the
Third Pig God of Sumatra was, himself, a deputy accounts
supervisor.
7. Spandex
What more can I say except: the most useful product on the
planet. The author’s time working at a local funeral home came
to end thanks to a pair of black spandex shorts worn at a
cremation. Spandex is proven to make the average human body
unviewable to all but fitness instructors who have received
special training to help them combat nausea in stressful workout
conditions.
8. Elton John
This one should only be considered in the most extreme
circumstances since it involves the chance of considerable
danger to your mental health. Singing along to an iPod equipped
with Mr. John’s greatest hits leads to immediate loss of both
job and hearing in 98% of cases. The other 2% claimed to have
enjoyed ‘the really quite excellent music’ and went on to win
high-paying jobs organising opening ceremonies at the Olympic
Games. As I said: ‘considerable danger to your mental health’…
©The Spine
05.12.07
10 THINGS NOT TO LEAVE IN POCKETS
Better Humor
Copyright The Quipping Queen 2005.
10 THINGS NOT TO LEAVE IN POCKETS
Or why these facts are important to good mental & physical
health
Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., Professor of Pith n’ Vinegar,
(and an avid reader of paltry poetry by a little-known and quite
inept weaver-of-wool from a small Welsh village that few can
pronounce,
Llanfairpwllgyngyllgogerychwryndrobllllantysiliogogogoch
I>).
Academic research can be a tad boring, (especially to those
whose cerebellums do not resemble the shape of an egg or a pear).
Every now and then however, investigation into the obvious or
even obscure things in life often yields some rather fascinating
data. These findings may delight even those with few
opportunities to exercise their intelligent genes by demanding
they use “smart” appliances, consume “smarties”, drive “smart”
cars, or become a card-carrying member of the “Smarty-Pants”
Club).
For those who’ve been dubbed “factoid freaks” by family members
and friends, they’ll be delighted to know that there are
23,500,000 web pages devoted to “pockets”, and only 1,090 web
pages devoted to “things in pockets”. (Note: For those who
couldn’t give a hoot, they should probably stop right here, find
a nearby loo, and plunge into the next page of “Uncle John’s
Bathroom Reader”.)
Careful study of all manner of things left behind in pockets,
reveals some interesting results and some clear recommendations
as to what stuff should be removed from pockets prior to the
peering eyes of strangers or perhaps the more common process
known as the weekly wash cycle.
Exhaustive research into the contents of pockets suggests that
the following items should be left elsewhere, given to another
for care, or at least removed so as to avoid senseless
embarrassment when discovered by eyes belonging to someone other
than the owner of said pocket.
Ten things that should not be left in pockets:
1. Animals (dead or alive), as they tend to remind
strangers that nature is wild but not always a sight to behold!
2. Food (half-consumed or otherwise), is likely to invite
uninvited guests such as ants, fruit flies or maggots, (you know
the wild critters that have never been domesticated, let alone
placed in a zoo to be admired by masses of inquisitive children
and indifferent parents who are bored out of their gourds and
yearning for the opportunity to watch another soap opera episode
or hunker down as an armchair coach on a boob-tube game night).
3. Seductive scraps of paper such as billet doux,
love-sonnets, or torrid email memos, (all of these things
usually lead to sticky-wicket stuff akin to explaining why you
enjoy playing hockey in the buff, why you strap on web-feet, and
why you have a penchant for sweet meats when you’re a dedicated
vegetarian).
4. Chocolate bars, jellybeans, and licorice, (all are
designed to leave a colorful mess behind not to mention attract
crumbs, fluff and unidentified hairs that alter the flavor of
what was once a pleasant distraction or diversion for tawdry
taste buds).
5. Photographs of flames, (for those who should know
better…the combustible compromising type); Warning: they will
undoubtedly burn a hole in one’s garment if left unattended for
any length of time).
6. Wise words of wisdom, (after all if they have to be
committed to paper, you haven’t grasped them to the bosom of
your heart and clearly they should remain in the Book of the Dun
Cow from whence you found them …until you can improve your
memory).
7. Band-Aids (while they offer “quick-fixes”, try
focusing on problems that have no solutions, then you won’t feel
obliged to resort to them unless of course you like playing
“doctor” or “nurse”, in which case you should probably find a
more lucrative thing to push such as prescription medications or
miracle makeovers for only $9,999 plus a short stay in an exotic
spa and resort — that also has elephants for your companion to
ride or invite into the living room whichever comes first).
8. Loose pills, (this is a recipe for disaster because
with your short-term memory loss, you’ll forget what “the little
blue one” is for and may, in a fit of compassion, offer it to
your mood-disordered pet Pomeranian named “Fifi”, (who may not
appreciate the consequence of your altruistic gesture).
9. Tissues (whether soiled or unused), inevitably break
down into itty-bitty bothersome pieces of picayune piffle that
slosh about with a variety of unmentionables during the wash
cycle and then cling with all their might to unmentionables
again during the dry cycle in spite of the fragrant non-static
solutions said to solve this problem…which they don’t!)
10. Miniature voodoo dolls, weekly horoscopes, or “Get out of
Jail Free” cards, (frankly they won’t save you from a fate
worse than death, nor offer you salvation if you’ve been a
naughty nemesis; so, why not try befriending a troll or a
dragon…they do a better job than carrying around these silly
SOS souvenirs).
06.11.07
Hollywood Humor: Cary Grant’s Muffins
Better Humor
In 1853 in Saratoga Springs, New York, American Indian Chef
George Crum was preparing his specialty French fried potatoes in
the upscale resort he was working at, when he received word that
one of the patrons complained they were cut too thick. An
annoyed Crum decided to slice the delicacy razor thin to teach
the customer a lesson. To his surprise the guest loved it, and
that’s how we got potato chips.
Nearly one hundred years later another squeaky wheel named Cary
Grant was having breakfast at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, when he
noticed that his bread dish had three half muffins. The very
rich but frugal actor called the waiter over for an explanation.
He had ordered muffins and wondered why he had only been served
a muffin and a half. When neither the waiter nor the manager had
a sufficient answer, Grant made several phone calls until he
tracked down Conrad Hilton himself, vacationing in Istanbul. The
top man explained that most customers left the fourth half
uneaten so the hotel stopped serving them. When the star accused
Hilton of false advertising, the Baron ordered that beginning
with Grant, the fourth half would be served from now on. The now
satisfied star finished his meal and paid his bill, complete
with nearly $100 in phone charges.
26.10.07
Golden Swiss Steak
Better Humor
I was just pouring an icy cold glass of tea as our neighbor Ginny announced her presence in the kitchen in the usual way, by giving a short dry cough. I could never figure out if this was some kind of code between her and the Aunt’s, or if she was just to timid to say hello. That thought lasted for about half a second as Ginny was never shy about asking questions, how could she be shy about introducing herself to people who knew her better than she’d like to think? I suppose this was just her way of warning you she was listening. She started the conversation with saying, “I couldn’t help but hear as I was standing in the door (I told you she was a listener) that you all are having company for supper again tonight. Hmmmmm?
What she meant by the statement “again tonight” was that she just happened to be looking out that window of hers last evening when Olivia’s friend, the Reverend Hinshaw, arrived for supper. Olivia’s face was beginning to burn red and I saw that little vein on the side of her forehead start to bulge out. Olivia being a redhead and all, I felt sorry for her not being able to hide her embarrassments and frustrations as well as the rest of us. I decided I better step into this conversation and change it’s direction quickly for the sake of us all. When Olivia was upset the entire block knew it. You would see people getting in their cars to make quick trips to town. This here is no joke! With gas being rationed and all, I would be doing the entire nation a favor by speaking up. So I did.
“Would you like a glass of icy cold tea, and a sugar cookie Ginny? You and I could go in the back yard and sit under the Oak tree and have us a little talk.” (I figured I would up the annie by giving Ginny an excuse to pump me for information) Ginny jumped at the chance and even looked a might startled that I would be extending such an invitation to her. I poured the tea, and put the cookies on a plate and out we went to set under the Oak tree.
So, said Ginny, the evangelist Hinshaw is sparking Olivia is he? I told Ginny that courting must be different than sparking. With courting you were usually alone, just the two of you. Also, the gentleman usually did the inviting NOT the grandma, and certainly not to supper with 13 other people in attendance. Nope, with courting you were ask out, it usually wasn’t because you felt obligated cause the preachers wife was expecting and couldn’t stand on her feet for hours preparing a meal fit for a king so’s you could put on the dog while the evangelist was in revival at your church. Ginny’s eyes got real wide and she sat up straight. After staring at me over the top of her spectacles for what seemed an hour but I’m sure was only a few seconds, she ask what was being prepared that smelled so delicious it must be sinful. Now the conversation was headed in the right direction.
Well, you know Aunt Nita, nothing’s to good for a preacher man (I didn’t dare add, especially when he was interested in her niece) so she is preparing Golden Swiss Steak, Garlic Mashed Potatoes, fresh picked Green Beans, hot buttered Corn Bread, and Berry Cobbler for dessert. Hmmmmm, she said, sure smells good. I didn’t say a word. We finished our tea in silence and headed back for the kitchen. I would leave extending an invite to Ginny for supper up to Aunt Nita. Like Grandpa says, “I know which side my bread is buttered on.”
Golden Swiss Steak
½ C flour
¼ C vegetable oil
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
1 green bell pepper (cut into thin strips)
4 small green onions (scallions) chopped using green stems also
2 cloves garlic (minced)
1 large vine ripe tomato (diced)
½ C V8 juice
1 can Campbell’s Golden Mushroom soup
2 lb’s round steak, (½ inch thick)
Place meat on cutting board and cut into desired serving pieces. On cutting board using a meat mallet, pound the meat on both sides until it is flat. Rub meat on all sides with flour until it is completely coated. Put oil in large skillet and heat over medium heat. When oil is hot, place steak pieces in skillet and brown on both sides. Sprinkle with cayenne pepper. Add bell pepper, green onions, garlic, and tomato. Stir, making sure to get all brown crust from the bottom of the skillet. This is the basis of your sauce and will give your Swiss Steak lot’s of flavor. Simmer for 10 minutes without lid. Mix tomato juice and golden mushroom soup together in a small bowl, making sure to mix thoroughly. Pour over the meat mixture, place lid on skillet and turn to simmer. Simmer on LOW HEAT for about 15 minutes, stirring occasionally, again making sure to scrape the goodies from the bottom of the pan.
Hint: You don’t have to be an evangelist to love this!
From a collection “Tastebud Tidbits” by Joyce M. Edwards
A southern native residing in Idaho. I write about experiences as a child growing up in southern kitchens were babies were named, weddings were planned, and politicans were elected or rejected.
21.10.07
THE MERITS OF MISCHIEVOUS MIND-CANDY
Better Humor
Copyright Victoria Elizabeth 2005.
THE MERITS OF MISCHIEVOUS MIND-CANDY
– Or, how to improve one’s vapid vocabulary –
In the fast-food, fast-track, and fast-lane of life, there’s precious little time for words any more which is bad news for slow-of-mind folk (like me).
I have no “to-do” list and I don’t own a “Blackberry”. Furthermore, I have no need for “power naps” and I don’t do “power lunches” (unless I’m wearing my tiara, holding my sceptre and handing out titles to members of the realm who probably don’t need them).
Alright, I must confess I do own a cell phone. But, I don’t know how to program the blessed thing with all my favorite telephone buddies. And, what makes matter worse, I haven’t got a clue about the hottest dating device known (to men and women naturally) — text-messaging.
So, how does one go about choosing mischievous mind candy (you know, the sweet, sticky stuff that tickles the imagination and adds a few more calories and carbohydrates to one’s already hyperactive cerebellum)?
Well, take a word like “slob” for instance. It’s a short, four-letter word that covers a multitude of sins, (also a four-letter word that leaves the drawbridge down and the door wide open for interpretation).
Anyway, “slob” lacks shall we say colourful vibrations. In fact, one could say it probably leaves both the user and the recipient in an indubitably bleak state of mind followed closely behind by a complete loss of libido.
So how to bring a spark of interest back to a noun like “slob”? (Note: “Slob” should not be confused with another four-letter word, “slog” as in the verb ‘to toil’ like witches do, ‘to labour’ as rock stars do, or ‘to work’ like a dog …like the rest of us do.)
The answer lies perhaps in tossing the tasteless term into the trashcan, (now stop snivelling …it’s just for one day). Why not take another word out for for a test drive? After all, you’ve got lots to choose from.
In case there’s no handy-dandy dictionary nearby, here’s a luscious list of light-hearted love handles to use (besides “pig” or “hog” instead of “slob” to describe your boss, best friend, or long-lost relative Aunt “P”).
– Abbey-lubber, Afterling,
– Bawdstrot, Blob-Tale,
– Daggle-Tail, Draggletail, Dustman, Drassock, Drossell,
– Fleak, Fonkin, Fopdoodle,
– Hoddypeak,
– Looby,
– Mudlark, Mumper,
– Porknell,
– Ragamuffin,Runcy
– Srubbado, Slattern, Sloven, Slop, Snollygoster,
– Tatterdemalion, Tosspot,
– Walking Mort, Wallydraigle, Wallower, Whiffling, Whipperginnie,
– (and last but not least one of my favorite’s), the Yammering Yokel
Remember, mind-candy doesn’t come with any money-back guarantees – so you might want to use your new-fangled words with care, so as to avoid becoming addicted to them or being bopped over the head by someone with a bigger bumbershoot or a better dictionary than you!
About the Author
Victoria Elizabeth, is a lady of leisure and lollygagging who enjoys playing with words in between doing serious stuff like performing her ripsnorting royal duties as “The Quipping Queen” at www.quippingqueen.blogspot.com
07.10.07
A Free, Powerful Method to Market Your Business Online
Better Humor
How to Write Articles for Promotion & Profit
Want another great idea on how to market your business for FREE? Write articles. This powerful method actually works online and off. You can write articles in your area of expertise and submit them to local newspapers as well as trade magazines or newsletters that are read by your target market. Online, you can submit your articles to a variety of directories.
Suppose you are a coach and want to work with people in the financial field. Accountants, bankers, financial advisors all belong to associations that produce member newsletters. Additionally these professions have trade magazines. An article that demonstrates how a coach can help build an accountant’s practice or bring balance to the life of an overworked banker would be perfect for these markets.
What Are the Main Benefits?
1.Build credibility—which builds trust and people buy from those they trust.
2.Increase traffic—thousands will be reading your articles and visiting your site.
3.Create links—trading with others for their articles.
4.Establish expertise—you’ll become known in your field.
How Do You Write a Winning Article?
1.Choose a title that grabs attention—since you have about five seconds to hold your audience, make sure your title clearly spells out the benefits to the reader with impact!
2.Focus your topic on your narrowly niched market, as in the example of people who work in the financial industry. This way you can write specifically to address their problems and offer your products and services as the best solution.
3.Keep the tone friendly, yet stay on track. Present the problem, offer the solution, present the benefits of using someone like you. Offer practical tips the reader can implement immediately. Show them how to take the next step by using a real life example. Finish up with a call to action.
4.Have a resource box after your article with your name, contact information and an irresistible offer, such as a free report or consultation. Because you’re using an article for promotion, the ultimate goal is to have the reader click on your Web site link and eventually buy something from you.
Where Do You Submit Your Articles?
1.With articles on your Web site, always have an offer for anyone to use the article on their site with your resource box. If you send out an e-zine, have the same offer with the articles in your e-zine. If you receive e-zines, e-mail the owners of those you think have a good target audience for your products and services and ask if they would like to trade articles.
2.Directories are growing daily on the Internet. You can submit your article to any of countless article, e-zine or subject directories. Google and Yahoo are the best places to start to find these directories as well as these: ww.ideamarketers.com, www.ezinearticles.com, www.goarticles.com.
If you think you can’t write a decent article but would like to use this great idea for promotion, contact a ghostwriter, copywriter or freelance writer to help. WritersWay writes articles for you that showcase your expertise and read as if you wrote them yourself!
© 2004 Andrea Susan Glass and WritersWay.com. Any reproduction of this article in any manner is prohibited without the consent of WritersWay.com or the author. We give permission to use this article on your Web site or e-zine if you reproduce it exactly as it appears here including this notice. Visit www.WritersWay.com for all your writing, editing and marketing needs and to order your FREE report, “Top Ten Tips on How to Write and Sell Your eBook for Maximum Profit with Minimum Effort.”
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Andrea Susan Glass, founder of WritersWay, helps clients reach their writing and marketing goals with effective articles, press releases, newsletters, Web site copy, eBooks and books. An award-winning author, she has written books, eBooks and articles on subjects ranging from animals and auto repair to singles and spirituality.
25.09.07
Extra! Extra!-Read All About It-Local Man Digs Hole To China!
Better Humor
While standing at the checkout line of just about any store, one can’t help but notice the vast array of “news publications” strategically placed for impulse shoppers. If anyone disagrees that the location of these fine works of journalism has nothing to do with spur of the moment shopping … just look right below them and you’ll find the candy section, that for inexplicable reasons, is only 2-3 feet off the ground. Every week on my jaunt to the store, I look forward to this weeks excellence in reporting. “B-52 Found On The Moon”, “Jennifer Aniston’s Secret Lover Is An Alien”, “Bigfoot Arrested For Drunk Driving” … the list goes on.
As absolutely insane as some of the titles may be, I’ve actually heard some people say, and I quote, “They wouldn’t print it if it wasn’t true … there’s laws against that kind of stuff.” But somehow in my warped mind, I find an extra bit of humor in the “press stoppers”, by asking a few basic questions about the article. For instance … after all the years of mankind gazing deep into space, somehow nobody ever seemed to have noticed an airplane on the moon. How interesting. Or … I know bigfoot didn’t get nailed for DUI, because if actually had a drivers license … HE WOULD HAVE A REAL NAME! I would imagine most shoppers pick these up for entertainment purposes only, but there are always those few you wonder about.
JK
09.09.07
Some Technical Treason and six ways to speed up your P.C..
Better Humor
Some Technical Treason.
Six ways to effectively speed up your P.C.
1.Place it on Jet, as close as possible to the front.
2.Increase your ram by putting him on growth hormones. Fasten your P.C. onto your enhanced ram, taking care not to hinder or compromise his circulation. Then whip him with a U.S.B. hub, at the end of two metres of cable.
3.Now this is a beauty! Give it maximum acceleration with an aircraft carrier “elastic thing”!
4.Swith your P.C. “on”.
5.Take the aforementioned Jet for a spin.
Now, shoud your P.C. be too fast, replace it with yourself and repeat steps 1,2,3, and step two, again.
I hope that this technical insight was helpful.
P.S. You may need to get special permission from the I.S.P.C.A., or relevant Aviation authority, regarding the use of their “elastic”. Use your own discretion and due diligence!
P.P.S. My esteemed Editor, recommended that I call this “six” steps, even though I could only think of five. He insisted that “Six” rolls better from the tongue, or technically, that sliver of meat that he cleans out my ear with.
Sincerely,
Tranni D’Electric.
electric@thetrivialtimes.com
About the Author
Tranni D’Electric is an “expert columnist” on electronics and consumer products, at The Trivial Times