For those who have deeply loved and lost their animal companions, the answer is obvious and yet disturbing. There are still far too many people in our culture who minimize and trivialize the loss of a pet. They tell the grieving friend, colleague or family member, “What’s wrong with you? Get over it. It was only a dog (or cat, bird, horse, etc.) Get yourself a new one! After all, it’s been a month already. You shouldn’t be so torn up over this.”

Having been a grief counselor and a pet loss support group facilitator for many years, I have encountered a wide range of stories from people who have suffered cruel and insensitive statements from those around them, to others who receive wonderful support and unconditional love from their family and friends after the death or disappearance of a beloved animal. The truth is that grieving an animal companion or grieving the loss of a human companion can feel devastating emotionally and encompasses all kinds of feelings: sorrow, depression, anger, confusion, physical pain, guilt and a profound bittersweet love. If you add on the stress of dealing with an unsupportive work, home or social environment that makes you feel guilty or like you’re an emotional misfit, the grief process becomes more difficult and complicated.

Animals, like humans, are spiritual beings having an earth-experience. Many people in my pet loss group recognize these spiritual beings as their teachers and healers. Mourning their physical absence in our lives is not only normal, but honors their incredible gifts to us. As most of us know, the grief process has no timetable and is unique to each situation and relationship. As a spiritual experience, it offers the opportunity for positive transformation of self and of giving more meaning and purpose to our lives.

Healing Suggestions

* Allow yourself to feel all your feelings. It is a sign of strength, not weakness, to feel deeply. Doing breathing exercises can relax you, and allow your feelings to move more freely. Writing a letter to your pet can ease the pain in your heart.

* Stay connected to others who care about you and understand, as best they can, your attachment. Be receptive to receiving their kindness and help with daily activities, such as shopping or laundry.

* Attend a pet loss support group to help you get through the initial difficult mourning period.

* Be kind to yourself and allow yourself all the time you need to grieve. Nurture your spirit, mind, body and heart with activities, books, movies and friends that uplift and soothe your soul.

* Do your best to stay healthy, through proper nutrition, rest and exercise. This is difficult to do; imagine what your pet would want you to do.

* Honor your animal companion through a memorial service, a tree-planting, community service or helping a friend.

* Plan activities for days that will be especially difficult, such as holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

* Some depression is a normal grief response. If you feel you are in trouble, have suicidal thoughts or plans, substance abuse problems, or long-term depression, please seek professional help at once. Call your local crisis center.

* Balance negative thoughts about yourself with positive ones, such as “I did the best I knew how for my pet.” “I am a loving, compassionate guardian for my animal companions.”

* Take walks or interact with nature in some way. Nature heals.

* Don’t sweat the small stuff. Allow your perspective on what really counts in life to expand.

Grief is a process that affects not only spirit, but mind, body and heart. As a grief counselor, I focus on strengthening all aspects of self in order to give more balance and integration to the grief journey. As a creative arts therapist, I use a variety of tools for expression and integration that open new vistas and depth to the healing process. Grief is a sacred rite of passage, a doorway to a more loving, compassionate and purposeful life. Move with the energy of grief, rather than fighting it, and you will discover the gifts and treasures that are part of path of healing!

Marcia Breitenbach, M.A., is a licensed counselor, author, speaker, and musician living in Arizona. Get your f.r.e.e. downloadable inspiring songs and proven strategies for living your best life at http://www.griefandlosshelpsongletter.com

Chronic Fatigue and Chronic Depression are absolutely systemic in our society today. Recent studies done by the AMA and CMA purport one in four people in North America are suffering from some form of chronic fatigue or depression and it’s expected eight out of ten of us will experience similar afflictions in our lifetime. But numbers like these don’t speak to the cause and only tell half the story.

In June of this year, my new book entitled, “Until You’ve Walked the Path” hit the bookstores. In it, I chronicle my own real life battle and recovery from CFS [Chronic Fatigue Syndrome]. I am pleased to say that from the responses I’ve received, the book has touched many people in a positive way, both those suffering from the disease, as well as caregivers, looking for new ways to aid the afflicted.

In conversations about CFS, the one question I am asked the most is, “What’s causing My [their] chronic depression and fatigue?” Followed by, “Is it just stress?”

I’ll admit I am not a doctor and have no medical training, however, I have done a fair bit of research over the last decade and I am a real CFS Survivor. That said, it is my belief there are three fundamental ‘Camps’ if you will, that can cause depression or fatigue and it is absolutely essential to determine what camp you are in to expedite speedy recovery.

Camp #1: CFIDS [Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome]

CFIDS is the new acronym for most immune dysfunctional disorders which covers a broad base of causes and outcomes. More specifically, the factors that can bring on CFS are viral. In my case I was diagnosed with the Epstein-Barr Virus [EBV]. Another common virus known to cause CFS is the ME Virus [Myalgic Encephalomyelitis]. An outcome associated with CFS sufferers is Fibromyalgia; an excruciatingly painful disease that effects all the muscles and joints in the body.

I could go on but the important point to understand is that most of what causes ‘Real’ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is most often viral. These viruses attack the immune system causing acute un-wellness, fatigue and depression. Stress is another immune-weakening phenomenon and is often a major cause for CFS. On the other hand, motivators like post viral infection – as it was in my case – is known to be much of the cause because of the damaging consequences it can affect to an otherwise healthy immune system. One outcome is Depression and Fatigue.

Camp #2: Mood Disorders

Mood disorders are perhaps easier for most people to understand. Not the diseases themselves but rather the fact that there are commonly known diseases like: By-Polar, Manic-Depression and Schizophrenia, to name but three. We all know they can cause behavioral – often unpredictable -changes in those afflicted. Another outcome is Depression and Fatigue.

Camp #3: Substance Abuse

Whether it’s drugs or alcohol, [prescribed or otherwise], many people fall victim to their affects that over time, can clearly evolve into conditions of un-wellness.

Stress-relief is often the reason for those who use drugs and alcohol on a regular basis and one need not be addicted to experience many of the health deteriorations that ultimately come about. Another outcome, of course, is Depression and Fatigue.

By now you may be seeing a bit of an assertion I am making in this article which now compels me to make two important points:

1. Depression and Fatigue can be outcomes from many different motivators.

2. It is critical for sufferers to seek out immediate professional help in determining precisely what is causing their fatigue and depression.

I have seen too many people needlessly wither away with diseases like these, never getting the right help. Many of them try to hide their problem and shrink into the shadows because it’s not a glamorous disease and for the most part, is still a little misunderstood – even by many in the medical field.

My advice is to find the right medical specialist who deals specifically with what’s causing your fatigue and depression. Understand that no doctor can be a specialist at everything and that the medicine, treatment and care for someone with Schizophrenia would be entirely different from what’s required to treat someone with substance abuse or a viral infection. The specialist would be just as different.

It’s also vitally important for those afflicted and caregivers alike to know that there is a short window of opportunity in getting diseases like these under control. That is to say, from my observation and experience, the longer one goes without proper diagnosis and treatment, the harder it is and less likely it is, recovery can be achieved.

Chronic Depression and Fatigues is not something one chooses to have and treatments like “Suck it up soldier!” or love deprivation do not work. Ignoring it works even less.

The Bottom Line:

What’s causing Your Depression and Fatigue could be many things. You need to align yourself with the right specialist, the right medication and the right treatment As Soon As Possible!

The good news? You can recover from it and you can triumph over it! I am living proof.

About The Author

Paul Shearstone is President of The CFIDS Foundation of Canada Inc. He is an International Keynote Speaker, Author, Writer, Motivation, Corporate Ethics, Sales, Time & Stress Management Specialist.

Paul enlightens and challenges audiences as he informs motivates and entertains.

To comment on this article or to book Paul for your next successful event we invite to contact Paul Shearstone directly @ 416-728-5556 or 1-866-855-4590 www.success150.com or paul@success150.com.

For more information and how to order Paul’s new book, “Until You’ve Walked the Path” please visit www.paulshearstone.ca

“Every day millions of people struggle valiantly with the pain of CFIDS and Depression… the very real physical pain and the excruciating psychic pain of the soul. Paul gives both voice and face to their pain. More importantly, he gives expression to their courage, resilience, and valour. By his account of his own remarkable journey, he gives hope to the millions of others who are still on theirs”.

Karen Liberman

Executive Director

Mood Disorders Association of Ontario

paul@paulshearstone.ca

Psychological Power is the ability people have to disguise what they really want from you when they are attempting to persuade or influence you. Psychological Power is based on the ability to alter an individual’s perception of reality. This power (like most power) can obviously be used dishonestly. However, it is important to understand the various psychological tactics so that you will have a greater ability to detect people who are being dishonest or devious with you. You will be able to tell the difference between the Psychological Power of the salesman and the Legitimate Power of the Master Persuader.

Time-pressure

People are typically slow at making decisions because they’re afraid of making mistakes. The longer someone waits, however, the more likely it becomes that they won’t follow through. The faster you can persuade and influence a person to make their decision, the more likely you will achieve your goals. This is where we get promotions like “one-day sale,” and “This offer won’t last long” (The Law of Scarcity). On the flip side, be sure your aren’t ever pressured into an impulse decision that you’ll regret. I remember once negotiating a contract for the marketing department of a big corporation. I knew the Laws of Persuasion and I knew what I wanted. I had a million other things to get done, and I felt rushed to hammer out the details of the contract that morning. The person I was negotiating with, on the other hand, was in no hurry and had nowhere to go. We bantered back and forth for six hours and still had not reached a resolution on a contract we were both happy with. My urgency to leave affected the terms I was finally able to get.

When we’re in a hurry, we’ll usually pay more to get what we need. When we need something right now, and someone has it, we will pay or do anything to get it. Think of all the convenience services that cost more. The all-night convenience store charges twice as much for a gallon of milk as the grocery store down the street. The 24-hour copy mart charges more than the traditional print service. Think about how much you paid for that book or magazine at the airport before you rushed to catch your plane. Being in a hurry definitely costs money.

Boldness

Acting with boldness will not only give the perception of confidence, but it will actually help you feel more confident. What’s more, you’ll come across as brave and bold, and people will rally behind you. Their lack of esteem or confidence will naturally attract them to someone like you, who is bold and assertive. Boldness can lead to the accomplishment of unimaginable things. Assertive and bold behavior creates confidence and hides our deficiencies. When you assert yourself, people automatically assume you know what you are doing. Boldness and assertiveness create authority and often fear. This sends a clear message on how people should treat us. Assertiveness creates power and the ability to persuade. Shy, timid, weak people cannot persuade others or change their minds.

A great example of being bold and assertive happened in 1925 in Paris, France. The French scrap metal owners were summoned and taken to the nicest hotel in Paris. They were wined and dined and told an incredible story about the Eiffel Tower. They found out the tower was considered an eyesore and that the cost to maintain it was astounding. The tower was only supposed to be a temporary fixture and the City or Paris now wanted it removed. For the next three days, city council would be taking bids for the scrap metal. A bold and assertive salesman flashed a badge at security and took metal owners for a tour. He was so bold and convincing that one company paid over one million U.S. dollars for the tower. Obviously, it was a scam and the sorry bid winner resold the tower to someone else six months later.

Unpredictability

Be unpredictable. Nothing confuses a target more than unpredictability. Tornadoes, hurricanes, and earthquakes are probably the most frightening events to live through because of their sheer unpredictability. These phenomena don’t fit comfortably in our routines and so they are unnerving to us. Humans are creatures of habit; we love the familiar and predictable. We love a routine and a predictable outcome. When you are predictable, people feel a sense of control over you. Unpredictable and inconsistent behavior keeps people guessing and off balance. We have all had a boss or parent who was unpredictable. You did not know if they were going to yell, reward, or thank you for what you were doing. They spent calculated time trying to understand your next move. This type of power is very intimidating and uncontrollable.

Surprise/Distraction

People who are taken off guard or who are surprised by a request become unsure and will often comply with it. This insecurity and imbalance makes them more persuadable. A study by Milgram and Sabini demonstrated that people riding the New York subway were twice as likely to give up their seats to people who surprised them with the request, “May I have your seat?” as they were when they were told ahead of time of the person’s intention to ask for their seat. Fifty-six percent of surprised passengers gave up their seats compared to 28% of those who had been warned in advance.

Distraction also is a form of Psychological Power. Your prospects minds are elsewhere, so you give them something to think about. This is an unethical form of power you need to be aware of. Sometimes this tactic could end up putting you on the defensive, sidetracking you, or getting you angry. The distraction could be dropping something, screaming, throwing insults to get you off track, or distracting you from their real purpose.

Pity

Every year, Jerry Lewis hosts the muscular dystrophy telethon. Critics hate how he uses pity to raise funds, calling it demeaning and stigmatizing. Others argue, however, that the results outweigh anything that could possibly be bad about it: Reaching more than 100 million viewers through 200 different channels, the telethon raises over one hundred million dollars each year.

There is a crosswalk in my town where no one likes to stop for pedestrians. I’m always intrigued by what makes people stop at a crosswalk. I’ve noticed at this particular crosswalk that people normally just drive right through, without even noticing the pedestrians waiting to cross. One day, I suddenly noticed all of the cars stopping. I wondered what was happening until I saw an attractive college student with crutches waiting to cross the street. The power of pity pulled at the heartstrings of usually stoic drivers and influenced them to act in her favor.

Learning how to persuade and influence will make the difference between hoping for a better income and having a better income. Beware of the common mistakes presenters and persuaders commit that cause them to lose the deal. Get your free report 10 Mistakes That Continue Costing You Thousands and explode your income today.

Kurt Mortensen’s trademark is Magnetic Persuasion; rather than convincing others, he teaches that you should attract them, just like a magnet attracts metal filings. He teaches that sales have changed and the consumer has become exponentially more skeptical and cynical within the last five years. Most persuaders are using only 2 or 3 persuasion techniques when there are actually 120 available! His message and program has helped thousands and will help you achieve unprecedented success in both your business and personal life. If you are ready to claim your success and learn what only the ultra-prosperous know, begin by going to http://www.PreWealth.com and getting my free report “10 Mistakes That Continue Costing You Thousands.” After reading my free report, go to http://www.PreWealth.com/IQ and take the free Persuasion IQ analysis to determine where you rank and what area of the sales cycle you need to improve in order to close every sale!

To many people, this article might be depressing. My belief is that death is a part of life. Nobody knows how long they will live. We must therefore, live our life fully with purpose and joy. Each day is a gift from God to be cherished.

First to die was my brother, Bobby, the boy who never met a stranger. Bobby was much like Daddy in that he always tried to make everybody laugh. Everybody liked Bobby. We grew up poor, but Bobby always had people buying him stuff because they liked him. He was just that sort of person. But, just like Daddy, Bobby’s weakness was that he was an alcoholic. Bobby was incarcerated for not paying on his fines for DUI and also possession of marijuana. He had been trying to get his life together. He was enrolled in a program at a technical college where he was taking auto body repair. He said he felt different there at school–that he really applied himself and that others didn’t even act like they cared. He finally had hope.

But one trip back with his old friends in his old hometown was enough to get him back into one of his old patterns and he decided to get some marijuana. It was a small town; he was stopped by the police and found to be in possession. The day he went before the judge was a strange day–an almost mystical day. I was there with a letter from one of the directors of the school stating that he was enrolled in the program. But this was not enough for the Judge. When Bobby’s lawyer asked if they were sure that it was marijuana, the Judge said he didn’t know many people who would carry around a little bag of turnip greens. The Judge wanted him to stay in the same town and not be allowed to return to his out-of-state school. He said he thought the same thing might happen there. He wanted him to be with my mother at her home.

The problem was that my mother had two children with my step-father and the burden would have been heavy on her. So, when they asked her if he could be released to her, she hesitated. She said, “well, oh, well my husband, uh–” I didn’t hear anything else. So, Bobby stayed in jail. It was a strange day, a very strange day. This one day, in my opinion, was the turning point of his life–he started dieing that day. You just never know. When I went to visit him there at the jail and bring him a few things, I asked him if they ever got ice cream. He said, are you crazy–they’d kill for ice cream here. Anyway, after a few weeks, Bobby was released and was on his way to live with me again when he was hit by a train. His autopsy revealed that he was intoxicated.

I remember my sister and brothers and I going downtown to get clothes for him to wear at his funeral. We wanted him to have jeans because he always wore jeans–and then he had to have underwear. Why did he have to have underwear? There was a big discussion over this, so we finally made the decision that he was going to have underwear. The sales assistant said that they came three to a package; someone said what are we going to do with the other two pairs? The assistant, seeing the situation, said that he could get boxer shorts. But, we said he never wore boxer shorts. She said, ok–I’ll just take one pair out of the package. We were half there and half somewhere else.

An open-casket was more than I could take. I remember thinking to myself–where were all these people when he was alive. One woman said, “doesn’t he look good?” I remember saying to her “the only way he would look good would be if he were alive.” My mother really loved Bobby because he was the only one who could make her laugh. She hasn’t really laughed much since he died. That was about 20 years ago.

Then there was Randy. Randy was a sweet, gentle man who never hurt anybody intentionally–except himself. When he was only 10, he had an accident which damaged his voice box; he was driving a gocart and ran into a chain length fence. He pressed the gas instead of the brakes. But, still he didn’t let that keep him from utilizing his voice as a way to make his living. With his graveldy voice, he worked at McDonalds and took orders thru the drive in. Many people asked him if he had a cold. Then later he worked for a major electronics firm where he worked in customer service. His last major goal was to receive his RN degree; but even though he graduated with a 4.0 average, he never got to use it. Just a few days after graduation, he was diagnosed with full blown AIDS.

He could probably have lived longer if he had taken his anti retro viral drugs, but he said they made him sick, so he flushed them down the toilet. AIDS did not take him quickly. He suffered, so when he died at the hospital, I knew in my heart he would be better off with the Lord. He did try for a while. Randy never hurt anybody except himself, so why did he leave this earth premature? Randy joked about having AIDS and that Oprah ought to have him and Clay on her show because he felt it was probably strange for two brothers to have AIDS.

Randy and Clay both had gone to Los Angeles where they felt they were more accepted and able to live and not be judged because of their sexual preference. Clay was the strongest and was a fighter. Clay could really get angry. He was more of an in your face person. But when it came to AIDS, he was actually featured as one of the persons with full-blown AIDS who had lived the longest. This was many years ago, when everyone who got AIDS was expected to die from complications associated with AIDS. He said all of his friends were gone, including his partner whom he loved. But he fought and kept a positive attitude. He told me that at one time his T-cells were so few that he had them named.

So, why am I telling you about this? Why am I releasing painful information to you? It is not to make you sad. If you’ve read this whole article, you are definitely an unusual person who is not afraid to explore truth. Most people would have quit when after reading about Bobby. It is my opinion that most people don’t want to face reality when it comes to death and AIDS. That is why people don’t talk about it or why a cure has not been found.

I remember how people’s remarks hurt me so. My pastor at church stated in one of his sermons that “in the beginning, God created Adam and Eve; not Adam and Steve.“ I went up after the service and told him how this made me feel. After that, I left my church. My brothers had a relationship with God; none of us are perfect. We are told not to judge. But, people often put down and criticize something they are afraid of or don’t understand. We must all strive to understand each other. We must all love each other. We must all know that AIDS or alcoholism or any type of addiction can happen to any of us or a person we love.

Cindy Brooks lives in Soddy Daisy, TN with Rod and her two dogs, Bandit and Chancey. She is interested in encouraging others to pursue their passion.

The most recent models that attempt to describe what is happening in the brains of people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder suggest that several areas of the brain may be affected by the disorder. They include the frontal lobes, the inhibitory mechanisms of the cortex, the limbic system, and the reticular activating system. Each of these areas of the brain is associated with various neurological functions.

There are several areas of the brain potentially impacted, and there are several possible “types” of ADHD. Daniel Amen, a medical doctor using SPECT scans as identified six different types of ADHD, each with its own set of problems, and each different from the other “types.” In our practice we used five different “types” of ADHD, identifying each “type” with a character from the Winnie the Pooh stories (Pooh is inattentive, Tigger is hyperactive, Eeyore is depressive, and so on).

The frontal lobes help us to pay attention to tasks, focus concentration, make good decisions, plan ahead, learn and remember what we have learned, and behave appropriately for the situation. The inhibitory mechanisms of the cortex keep us from being hyperactive, from saying things out of turn, and from getting mad at inappropriate times, for examples. They help us to “inhibit” our behaviors. It has been said that 70% of the brain is there to inhibit the other 30%.
 
When the inhibitory mechanisms of the brain aren’t working as hard as they ought to, then we can see results of what are sometimes called “dis-inhibition disorders” which allow for impulsive behaviors, quick temper, poor decision making, hyperactivity, and so on.

The limbic system is the base of our emotions and our highly vigilant look-out tower. If over-activated, a person might have wide mood swings, or quick temper outbursts. He might also be “over-aroused,” quick to startle, touching everything around him, hyper-vigilant. A normally functioning limbic system would provide for normal emotional changes, normal levels of energy, normal sleep routines, and normal levels of coping with stress. A dysfunctional limbic system results in problems with those areas.

The Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder might affect one, two, or all three of these areas, resulting in several different “styles” or “profiles” of children (and adults) with ADD ADHD.

Learn more about the impact of ADHD on children and teens, treatment options for ADHD, and much more at the ADHD Information Library. 

Douglas Cowan, Psy.D., is a family therapist who has been working with ADHD children and their families since 1986. He is the clinical director of the ADHD Information Library’s family of seven web sites, including http://www.newideas.net, helping over 350,000 parents and teachers learn more about ADHD each year. Dr. Cowan also serves on the Medical Advisory Board of VAXA International of Tampa, FL., is President of the Board of Directors for KAXL 88.3 FM in central California, and is President of NewIdeas.net Incorporated.

Disclaimer: None of the content of this article should be
considered medical or psychological advice. You should consult
with your health care professional for specific advice relating
to your medical and psychological questions or conditions.

An important issue for Psychologists, Pediatricians, and other
specialists working with children is physical and mental
development of children and adolescents. There are many age
periodizations in child’s development and going through every
period, child learns and gets new abilities. However, children
with chronic illnesses like diabetes, sickle cell anemia, severe
asthma, cancer and others cannot go through regular physical and
mental development. Due to special treatment they cannot go to
ordinary school like healthy children, sometimes they have to
stay in hospitals for a long period of time. How to help
children with illnesses develop mentally and not drop behind
children of the same age?

1. Create special home or hospital-educational plan and
organize short mathematics, logics and reading lessons every day
or week. Together with your child you can make this time very
interesting and useful. New information, which you can find for
your child, will help him or her to feel completeness of life
and self-efficiency.

2. Create homework assignments for your child. Begin with easy
arithmetical (or any other subject) tasks. Doing it successfully
will help your child to raise self-confidence and interest to
new knowledge.

3. Even small tasks which demand accuracy (for example,
measuring table in centimeters or inches) can be very
interesting if you explain that every item around us should be
planned and measured very accurately first, before constructing.
Manual tasks demanding attention and accuracy are very useful,
because they increase ability to concentrate and regulate
attention.

4. Be patient and teach your child to be patient. This will
help your child to be optimistic during treatment process and
have positive attitude to the environment - some of the major
components of psychological and physical health.

5. Contributing to your child’s mental development will help
your child feel all your love. Receiving interesting
information, positive attitude and cheerful mood create a
special condition to improve health and stop illness progress.
Help your child be interested in knowing more and more about
this world, prompt him or her to be healthy and you will see
positive changes in your child’s life.

Original Article URL

Secret information? Okay, probably not much remains truly hidden or forbidden anymore, but there are little secrets about how things work. Salesmen, politicians, and others learn and use subtle techniques to influence you. “Lucky people” use little-known tricks to get that way. Here are some examples.

Controling Through Words

There is a classic joke, “Have you stopped beating your wife?” It is difficult to answer without incriminating yourself. This technique of the implicit premise is used by politicians for more than jokes. Get everyone to argue about how to do something, for example, like win the the “war” on drugs, and nobody questions if it should even be done. Implicit premises are a powerful method of control. Get in the habit of recognizing the premises hidden in political debate.

Another way to influence people is to control language. Since social security payments don’t come from actual investments, unless you call the government lending itself money “investing”, social security isn’t a “retirement fund.” Calling it that, however, makes it seem safer and more acceptable than what it is: welfare. You can see how the words used control the debate.

Our words matter greatly. Could it be difficult politically to spend millions on “human shredder” bombs? Maybe that’s why they are called “daisy cutters.” Start paying attention, and you’ll see how words are being used to influence you.

Hypnotic Sales Techniques

Read the following sales pitch:

“Does speaking before a crowd make you nervous? What if it was easy? Imagine standing there in front of a crowd, knowing exactly what to say to make them love you. Wouldn’t that feel wonderful? Just apply our simple methods, and you will have that power. Use the form below to ORDER RIGHT NOW.”

It starts by getting you to say yes, which is habit forming. It hints at the possibility of a solution. The word “Imagine,” in line three, gets you doing just that. Line four suggests positive emotion and gets another yes. “And” in line five infers cause and effect, that you’ll have the power BECAUSE you used their product. The last line directs you with “Use the form below.” The “order right now” is called an “embedded command,” because putting it in capitals influences you without you noticing consciously.

When I learned dozens of these techniques, I used them to re-write the sign-up page for one of my newsletters, and I started to get four times as many subscribers from the same traffic. Secret information or not, it is powerful stuff.

More Secret Information

“Lucky people” create the right conditions for “luck,” by being in the right place, and around people who can help. Good salesmen use techniques like “mirroring,” and “leading,” to persuade you. Research from the new science of behavioral economics is applied by smart marketers to create methods of getting you to buy.

Secret information isn’t all about influencing others. Most industries and human activities have little-known “tricks of the trade.” Wise real estate agents sell expensive homes, for example, because they know it takes the same work as selling a mobile home, but the commission can be five times as much. Those who don’t use this “secret” struggle to make a living.

Certainly, subliminal techniques and other “forbidden knowledge” can be used for good or bad, so are they dangerous? Yes, especially if you’re not in on the secret. Why not start to gather some of your own secret information?

Steve Gillman has been hunting down obscure knowledge and useful secrets for years. Learn more and get a free gift at: The Secret Information Site (www.TheSecretInformationSite.com)

“I can’t get him off my mind! I am afraid to admit even to my best friend, but I am becoming obsessed with my boss. The attraction is like a magnet pulling me into a void that I both crave and fear. I think I’m falling in love!”

Many successful families started with a relationship between people who met at work. Therefore, if you are looking for love, look around at the people you know and meet through your work. Do any of them interest you?

While to some the work environment might seem “off limits” for romance, it could be the best meeting ground available. You know the people have a job, can ask others about them and you probably can watch how they interact with others before they even know you are watching.

Determining company policy about personal relationships between colleagues is wise. Some companies encourage relationships within the organization and hire family members with the belief that this creates greater loyalty. Other companies will fire both parties who engage in intimate personal relationships. Before you act, know your company policy.

Closeness often results when people are working on projects together. They focus their emotional energy and there can be excitement in these relationships. There are often shared jokes and playful teasing. Laughter is good for a sense of well being. Receiving positive attention is good for the ego. Flirting is fun.

Many people spend more of their waking time in the workplace than in their homes. Similarity of attitudes breeds attraction. At work, people are usually on their best behaviour, well dressed, confident and feeling powerful. Power is sexy!

Working long hours on creative projects can be sexually stimulating. Feeling sexually charged is normal and healthy. Travelling to meetings, eating in fine restaurants and staying at classy hotels, is the perfect climate for sexual chemistry to mix and intimacy to grow. Men and women openly admit they like the charge that sexual arousal can create. This can be invigorating when life has become routine and heavy with responsibility.

Work place romance may be wonderful but it can also destroy careers. Secret meetings and communications can sap energy and resources that could be better used for constructive work. Jealousy and gossip can destroy chances for advancement. The traditional belief that women get promoted when they sleep with the boss still prevails. Many women have been hurt deeply when their boss moves on to his next target or when they find out he has more than one lover.

You have moved from a friendly working relationship when:

• there is sexual contact,

• the relationship is a secret,

• you feel guilty or afraid in the relationship,

• fantasies take mental time and energy.

In a platonic relationship, these behaviours are not present.

Be aware of your feelings and acknowledge they are normal human emotions. Take responsibility for your decisions and actions. You are not powerless! Just because you feel the attraction, you do not have to act on it. You can defuse it.

To avoid an intimate relationship avoid some of the situations that create the intimacy. Boundaries need to be built to maintain a professional standard of conduct. Let your feelings cool.

STOP:

• meeting privately, after hours or over lunch,

• personal E-mail and fax notes,

• endearments on voice mail,

• lingering glances,

• touching,

• keeping your feelings a secret, tell a trusted friend,

• creating fantasies.

Mature people recognise they have the choice to develop an office romance or to avoid it. Consider the consequences both personally and professionally before you decide to find romance at work.

Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem M.Ed., is a registered marriage and family therapist with a private practice in Burlington Ontario Canada. She consults to families in business on issues related to workplace relationships. She is the author of books on personal growth through travel. Questing Marilyn: In Search of My Holy Grail (Quest Publishing Canada 2003) takes the reader through sacred and historic sites in England and Ireland and involves the search for the authentic adult Self. It explores: “Who can I be when I am free to be my Self?” Questing France: Deepening the Search for My Holy Grail (2005) is the process of holding onto the Self when in a marriage relationship. It explores flirtations, infidelity, qualities of a functional marriage as well as parenting children through marital conflict. Questing France explores the questions: “Can I be me when I am with you?” and “Why do people stay in a marriage after an affair?” http://www.questpublishing.ca

by Susan Dunn, MA, EQ and Life Coach

What makes another person difficult? When we don’t understand
where they’re coming from. They yell at us in an argument when
we want to quietly reason; or they disengage when we want to
talk it out. They say they want a vacation and then plan a full
agenda while you it was sitting on a beach veging that you
wanted. People don’t make sense. That makes them difficult.

The success of relationships depends how you deal with the other
person’s “difficultness.” You can learn some action-points (when
X does Y, do Z), in which case you’re basically book-bound, or
you can learn how to figure out what’s going on at a deeper
level, so that you can apply your knowledge to the myriad of
situations you’ll be confronted with in real life that will
never fit what you learned in the book or seminar, with the host
of people you encounter, all of whom are difficult unless you
have an identical twin.

I’ll admit I have an edge here. Not only because I study and
teach emotional intelligence, but because I have an identical
twin sister. Identical twins have the same genes. We tend to
think of genes in terms of physical things, and IQ, but they
relate to EQ as well.

We’re aware that genes determine that X can be a great
basketball player. He’s over 6’ tall and athletic. Genes also
allow Y to be a physicist. She’s got an IQ over 150, conceptual
ability and a knack for numbers.

However, in perhaps the more important aspects of life, your
personality and temperament, we’re talking about the emotional
workings of the brain, or the emotional brain. The neocortex is
where we think, analyze and reason, and our IQ is largely
determined at birth. The limbic brain is the seat of the
emotions, and if people’s IQs vary, so does their EQ – how they
work emotionally. But our EQs are not set at birth; we can
always develop our emotional intelligence.

Our understanding of the functioning of the brain has escalated
tremendously in the past few years with the new research tools.
We can’t peer into the brain and see cognitive intelligence, but
we can see what happens when emotion happens in the brain. For
instance, brain scans show that the emotional parts of a
neglected orphan’s brain work differently than a “normal”
baby’s, i.e., one that’s been well care for and had its
emotional needs met.

That having been said, you aren’t likely to find someone who
functions emotionally the same way you do. Close with an
identical twin, but even then there are fluctuating hormones and
individual past experiences (“nurture”) which influence our
emotional makeup. And it’s emotion that motivates all our
behavior.

So accepting that no one else works quite the way you do is the
beginning. The unhappiest people I know – and I’m a coach who
works with people around EQ – are those who think the world
should be a certain way, the way they think is right, and that
they can’t be happy until everyone does it that way, their way.
It’s almost easier to be with someone insensitive and not tuned
in, than the intense individual convinced they have a message
for you, and you’d better listen up, right?

So what’s the same about everyone, and what’s different? We all
want pleasure, and to avoid pain. The catch is, we all use
different means for getting pleasure and avoiding pain, and we
each define the concepts differently. That’s way to “relax,”
Alison plays two sets of tennis, and Sharon goes to the day spa.

If you want to figure someone else out, then, you need to move
to the meta level. We can understand “meta” better by examples
than definitions. It comes from the Greek “with, after, or
among.” You can see the problem already. It can also mean
“change or transformation,” as in “metamorphosis,” changing
shape, like the caterpillar that becomes a butterfly. It also
means “more comprehensive, or transcending,” and that’s what
we’re after. (And in physics it means something else.)

Now in emotional intelligence, we work on applications: Learning
the facts or theory, and the applying it to situations in your
life non of which will ever have been covered in the lesson in
class, if you know what I mean. For instance, let’s take “people
want pleasure and not pain”. Why, then, does Emily spend 14
hours a day at work and then pursue a graduate school program at
night and on the weekends? This would be your definition of
“pain”. Emily has a different definition of “pleasure.” The plot
thickens.

Here’s another example of getting it at the meta level.

Harry said when he retired he wanted to get away from it all. He
retired to Comfort, Texas (great name isn’t it, and a place
where many people retire), bought 12 acres of land and turned 11
of them into a natural habitat. He can see the stars at night,
and hear the birds during the daytime. He putters around the
house listening to music, reading, spending time on the
Internet. His social life consists of his wife and occasionally
his grown children. He rarely leaves his land.

Martha, too, wanted to get away from it all when she retired.
She bought a house in an active retirement community in
Alabama’s Gulf Coast, and bought a catamaran. She fills her days
with volunteer activities, entertaining on land and on sea,
daycaring her grandchildren after school, and taking commercial
cruises every several months, traveling all over the world on
group tours.

What’s up with that? Harry have been a primary care physician,
his days filled with people, demands and crises since his
medical school days. He wanted what he called “peace” – no
people, nothing he had to do.

Martha had lived with someone like Harry, rather isolated as a
full-time homemaker who did bookkeeping part-time from her home.
She rarely saw people, and they entertained infrequently because
of her husband’s demanding schedule and reclusive nature. In
retirement, when her husband died, Martha wanted lots of people
and activities, and getting out and going places.

They both said they wanted to get away from it all, yet one fled
to exactly what the other was avoiding. The meta level would
tell you they wanted to get away from – what they had been doing
before. Since each “before” was different, each “after” was
different. So while they were doing different particular things,
at the meta-level, they were doing the same thing.

It’s the common thread. They both wanted to get away from it
all, but they each had their own definition. Was it different
from your definition? Each person’s definition is uniquely
different; how different, you’d be surprised.

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, but it’s more
complex than that. Each of us lives in our own little planet,
and it’s in our heads!

And by the way, if understanding what’s going on with other
people doesn’t interest you, that’s a given as well. I find all
the time in training EQ coaches, that some people are interested
in insight and meta-cognition, while others aren’t at all. Some
want only the WHAT, and not the WHY. Either route can take you
to home base. However, getting the WHY allows you to navigate by
the stars, while only knowing the WHAT keeps you map-bound.

It may be easier to accept that other people are different, that
to accept that YOU are different. We’re all after the same
thing, but our means of getting it, and the particulars of what
it looks like, could hardly be more different. If you’re the
kind of person who seeks to understand the “why” of other
people, look to the meta level. Find the common thread.

When you see something different, ask yourself how it’s the
same. And if you don’t understand at any given level, inquire. I
remember planning a vacation with a friend some years ago. “And
let’s not get a car,” she said. “I’m sick of all the hassle.”

At the time I had a job 20 minutes from my home where I sat at a
desk all day, ate lunch in the building cafeteria, and then went
home and stayed home, as my husband was on-call most of the
time. It wasn’t until years later, when I took a job in
marketing (which is what my friend did at the time of the
vacation) and was in my car all day and night that I understood
just what a hassle “a car” can be.

Now when someone asks me to take a “vacation” with them, I check
it out. If I’m after Broadway shows and fancy restaurants and
they want to climb mountains and wear Birkenstocks, we’re in
trouble. Using your EQ means understanding the emotions that are
our motivating factors and learning to work with them.

Guilty, Your Honor, I whisper.

Have you ever done anything so horrible that you would prefer to hide in a dark closet for the rest of your life than have someone find out you did it? Have you ever done something so bad that even remembering what you did causes you to hyperventilate and shake?

I have. I’ve made too many mistakes in my life. I should have done better.

Sometimes I envision myself standing before a judge who wears a long black robe, with my head hanging low in shame. I am holding tightly to a large bulging sack.

The judge with the long black robe says, “Hold your head up to answer me. Who are you?”

I answer him quietly. “I am a mother, a wife, and a teacher.”

“Were you a good mother?” the judge asks. I notice his eyes are staring impatiently into mine.

“No, Your Honor,” I reply, shaking my head sadly. “I was not a good mother.”

The judge says nothing, so I continue.

“I tried my best, but I made too many mistakes. I brought them to show you. They are all in this sack,” I explain, straining to push the sack closer to him so he can see it better.

The judge looks at my sack and mumbles to himself, “Looks like this woman’s got a ton of bricks here.”

Then, he sighs and says, “Hmmmm - How do you plead?”

“Guilty, Your Honor,” I whisper. “Guilty.”

The reality is, however, I carried that huge sack of guilt with me from the moment the officer told me that my teenage daughter, Arlyn, took her life. I found the largest sack I could and opened it. Then, I threw bricks of guilt into it, one by one.

In the sack, I placed bricks for each memory I had of the times I had raised my voice to my children. I placed more bricks in for times I punished them for making childish mistakes.

If only I had been more patient, -

In the sack, I stuffed bricks for each time I was too busy grading papers or washing clothes or talking on the telephone to give my children, the most precious people in my life, my undivided attention.

If only I had kept my priorities straight, -

In this sack also, I added bricks for memories of many times when I had failed to listen to my children with my heart.

If only I had been wiser, -

After Arlyn died, I walked around carrying my sack of guilt; it was a painful reminder that some of my actions could have contributed to the depression that led to her death. I did not pull the trigger that hot August day, but I felt as if I did.

To me, Arlyn’s suicide provided tangible evidence that I had failed in the most important mission of my life - mothering. I deserved to have to spend the rest of my life lugging a heavy sack of bricks around.

This was almost a complete turn-around from the attitude I had before Arlyn’s death. Prior to August 7, 1996, I had confidence in myself; I had achieved the goals I set, so I thought I knew it all. If there’d been a Miss Arrogance pageant, I would have won the crown.

But I was knocked to my knees when Arlyn died, and I would never stand tall again. Any crown on my head was shattered.

After Arlyn died, the world no longer made sense. I doubted every thing I had ever learned, my beliefs, and my values. Most of all, I saw myself as a huge failure in life.

So here I was, trying to muddle through each day, attached to this huge burdensome sack of guilt that I could not and would not put down.

Ughhh! My sack of bricks was so heavy: the bricks representing all the mistakes of my life were so heavy that I’d need the help of a bulldozer to move it, at least.

Most of the bricks in the sack had to do with Arlyn: sins of commission and sins of omission. Arlyn had killed herself, and the guilt I felt was consuming me.

Every day after I woke up, I’d stand at the foot of the huge ugly load and looked up at it. As much as I hated it, I felt connected to it. I sometimes reached out and stroked the bag up and down with one hand, never letting go with the other. It was MINE.

Day after day, I stood there, holding on to my sack full of bricks of guilt. Friends would walk by and shake their heads at me.

“Let go of your guilt, Karyl. It’s not your fault!” they’d say, often shaking their heads in disgust.

“You’re wasting your life,” others would say. “Arlyn would not want you to lug that sack around forever.”

I tuned them out. What Arlyn would want or would not want did not matter. She was not here to speak out.

Sometimes, I’d try to explain how much I needed to hold on to the guilt, but they’d argue louder. So then, I closed my ears and turned away. They could not understand.

And so it was. Life went on for those around me, and I was alone. Except that I had my sack of guilt to keep me company.

But then one day, for no particular reason, I reached into the sack and pulled out one of the bricks. It was dated July 5, 1996. It said: I went to Germany, so I was not here to take care of Arlyn during her last month of life.

I thought about it. If I had been here, would I have noticed that something was wrong with Arlyn?

It’s possible I would have.

At the same time, it’s more probable that I wouldn’t have noticed anything.

Arlyn was a master at deception, it seems; She’d been hiding her pain for years. So what makes me believe that she’d suddenly have changed and become transparent?

My tears began to fall then. I felt warm tears streaming down my cheeks. They were for Arlyn: Arlyn, my gentle little girl who was trapped in her own dark world by something beyond her ability to comprehend.

It hurt so badly to remember. So so badly.

But then, the tears began to fall faster, and they felt even hotter against my face. These tears were different; they for me.

I, too, was trapped in my own dark, lonely world, lugging this heavy load of guilt around. I, too, was trapped by something too complex for me to understand.

Did I really deserve the additional weight of the brick dated July 5, 1996, just because I went to Germany? Was I a terrible mother because I took a vacation that I had dreamed of for years?

In my heart, I knew that I had not neglected Arlyn by going on a vacation. In my heart, I knew that I did not need that extra brick adding weight to the overloaded sack.

But could I bear to toss it out? Would the world fall apart if I removed it from the sack?

I thought a while as I ran my hands over the brick. It felt rough, hard and cold.

Yes, I needed it. No I did not. Yes, I needed it. No I did not. Yes, I needed it. No I did not.

Finally, I placed the brick on the ground beside me, and waited. I heard no loud crashes of thunder; the earth beneath me did not tremble.

I looked up at the sack I?d been lugging. It really didn’t look any different. I tried to push it; it didn’t feel any lighter, but I knew it was. I had lightened the load just a little bit.

I took a step forward, and I felt a gentle breeze brush my cheek. A butterfly flitted by.

Quote for the day:
Guilt is the source of sorrow; ’tis the field, th’ avenging field, that follows us behind with whips and stings. ~ Nicholas Rowe

Karyl Chastain Beal at arlynsmom@cs.com
Mother of Arlyn & Ron
Humble student of life’s lessons lifted up by the wind beneath my wings, Arlyn. January 25, 1978 - August 7, 1996
Writer, teacher, reluctant_traveler
http://suicidememorialwall.com
http://suicidediscussionboard.com

Aryn’s memorial
http://virtual-memorials.com/servlet/ViewMemorials?memid=7461&pageno=1